...?

I'm not usually like this, but ever since this summer, I've been struggling to have good self esteem. I have dreams of singing, and my name being in lights. I don't care about the money I could earn, I care about being somebody and doing something I love. Everyone says I have a good voice, or a nice voice, but that's not good enough to get where I want to go. I have to be the best, and I know I'm not. I don't have the type of voice that's good for solos or leads. I have the type of voice that sounds better harmonizing and being in the background. And it breaks my heart. Every time I try to come out of my shell, or take a risk and try for a lead, my voice goes out, or I don't make it. I don't want to give up my passion, but I don't want to be in the background while everyone else lives their dreams. I don't know what to do anymore, and I feel so lost. I'm on the worship and praise band at my church, and I love singing for God, but I hate feeling like I'm not good enough, and I hate falling flat on my face. What am I supposed to do?

Mr. Greenie is back...

Why do I have to be so jealous of everything? From someone else having a good picture, to them nailing a song, and me falling flat on my face, I can't seem to get rid of this little monster! It's so aggravating, and it makes me frustrated with myself. Is it really so bad for someone else to be happy or successful without me getting mad about it? Why do I ALWAYS have this problem?! I don't want to be perfect, I just want to be rid of this jealousy crap. It ruins friendships, and/or puts a strain on them, and I don't want to be like this all the time. JEALOUSY SUCKS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! >:(

My Solid Rock

My Grandma is back in the hospital, and it's really hard to see her laying in a hospital bed, when she's the strongest person I know. My Grandma has been my best friend from the start, and her being sick has made me kind of treasure every moment I have with her. My Grandpa was diagnosed with cancer a few weeks ago, and it's kind of scary to think that the two strongest, most influential people I've ever known are getting sick. I know God has a reason for everything, and I am really trying to trust in Him. I just have to keep my faith, and pray. And maybe the end result of this whole thing will be my parents becoming Christians...I don't know. I wish I did know what's going to happen. But God knows, and he's the solid rock I'll have to rely on now. And not just in this situation. Maybe God's trying to get me to quit relying on people and friends so much and on Him. But I don't know. Please keep Steve and Beverly Bailey in your prayers. And Grandma and Grandpa, I love you guys...so much. <3

Rawr!!!!

Ever have those bad days? Where everything seems to go wrong? Well, I guess everything didn't go wrong today. But it kind of felt like it. My really awesome phone screen broke, and it will cost about $120 to fix. I didn't get something that I worked really hard for and I really wanted, and my back is killing me today. But, on the bright side, I did raise my Human Body Systems grade from a D to...some other grade higher then a D. I feel like snapping at everyone today...so I'm just going to try and...chill for the rest of the night and try (try being the key word) to look at some positive stuff in things. =) The glass is half full! I think.

Sophomore Year :) :( >:( :D ;) :|

Ahh...this school year has been...pretty rediculous. In a good way. I've made a lot of mistakes, and had a lot of fun. I've:

-laughed
-cried
-stayed up for 36 hours straight
-skipped class
-hung out with the wrong people
-hung out with the right people
-been stood up
-learned how to play piano (I'm still learning)
-made new friends
-lost some old ones
-been pushed into a locker
-had a panic attack
-auditioned for America's Got Talent
-thrown up during a horror movie
-fallen asleep during class
-tried guacomole
-gotten in a fight
-almost broken character in the middle of a show
-told someone that I loved them
-gotten a sunburn
-sang in front of my family
-almost set the house on fire
-gotten out of the habit of using text shorthand
-been pissed off
-kissed someone on a dare
-had my heart broken
-done something stupid
-sang in front of a large audience...by myself...and almost had a heart attack
-strayed away from God
-come running back to Him
-gotten a tan :)

Yeah...and these are only a few of the things I've done. I changed my mind...this year has been great. And a fantastic learning experience.

That Little Green Monster

Sorry, I haven't written in awhile. I'll make sure I'm more regular about it...I promise :)


Jealousy is proably the most destructive forces I've ever witnessed. It tears apart friendships, relationships, and other such things. I've definitly had my share of jealousy. More then my share, actually. I had a big wake up call recently though. I got in a fight with someone, and the cause of it was my jealousy. After this person and I made up, I realized how insanely STUPID my jealousy was. For some reason, I just seem to have this problem being...myself. "I'm not a great singer, she's better then I am." "I'm not as pretty as she is." "Her hair is straighter then mine." "She's a way better actress then I am." That was my jealousy. Now, it's definitly toned down. So today, I'm going to try and to be the least jealous person I can be. I'll be happy with my talents, and I'll admire others in a positive way. Wish me luck :)

Je suis désolé

"Never shall I forget the days I spent with you. Continue to be my friend, as you will always find me yours." -Ludwig van Beethoven

People make mistakes. People say stupid things. And sometimes, when you mess up, you can't fix it. And I've been doing my share of that lately. I recently got in a fight with a very, very good friend of mine. I was having a bad day, and one little comment turned into a friendship ending. Honestly, it was my fault. Completely, 100%. This person doesn't want to be my friend anymore, but I pray that they will. I know I hurt their feelings, and I am more sorry then they will ever know. I miss them dearly, and I just have to hope that they will turn around.

Even if this person is never my friend again, I know I learned a huge lesson from all of this. Mistakes are people's way of learning, and in the end, they make you a better person. This will make me value my other friendships way more than I have in the past, and I'll make sure I watch what I say, and that if I'm having a bad day, I compose myself.

And to the person I'm fighting with, if they should happen to read this, I love you, and I miss you. I know I made a mistake. I am so sorry.